I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
