Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
