Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
