Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
