I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
