look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize