I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
