as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
