We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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