Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
