When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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