totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
