party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
