Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
