I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
