i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
