don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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