we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize