Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
