At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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