I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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