She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
