We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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