all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
