mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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