Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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