i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
