i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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