I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
