She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
