apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
