Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
