The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
