I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
