six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
