my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
