You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So apparently I’m into choking now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
