OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
