why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
