I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
