On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
