How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
