Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
