john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
