her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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