theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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