Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
