in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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