he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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