i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
