I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
