He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
