doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
