I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
