He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize