Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
