The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize