Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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